Inblognito: Blogging Undercover

I absolutely adore Christmas, and cannot understand how some people cannot get at least the teensiest bit excited at that time of year. However, me and New Year’s? A whole other story. I’m the grinch who wishes all the new year’s hype could just go away. How messy you can make your New Year’s Eve should not be the benchmark for the year ahead. Sure, if something’s happening I’ll join in, but I don’t go looking for the best night of my life each and every year.

However, I have been doing a little reflecting today, as this new year’s is slightly more momentous than most, being the end of a decade and the start of a new one. Just as I was driving to the store a little thought popped into my head. It was triggered by hearing Please Bleed (Ben Harper) on the radio, and it was this: “Ten years ago I had just been cheated on by my boyfriend”. That’s all I’m going to say about that (it really was inconsequential anyway) , but it did start me thinking, what have I done in the past 10 years? What about the next ten?

Ten years ago I began the first decade of my adulthood. I was 17, had left school, was living away from home, had said boyfriend and was embarking on what was, for the earlier part of the decade, a path of rebellion, addiction and depression.  Today I’m so straight-laced that I get twitchy if someone disobeys the merest of “please do/do not…” signs. How did I get where I am today? This story could have had a very different ending, and those who knew me in those first few years of freedom would not recognise me now. But I always knew I would return to school, gain a career, get married, buy a house, have children and live happily ever after. So far I’m only part the way there, but it’s a work in progress. So here are some of the “highlights” of the past decade:

2000: I had just left school and embarked on what should have been a two year diploma. Really, this was just a bridge to the inevitable. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I didn’t want to be at school and a community college type course was the way to get me out. My boyfriend introduced to me a wonderful ’substance’ that would get me through the next few years. By the end of the year I was addicted, dropping out of school (again) and generally being a brat.

2001: I got kicked out of home, was working at a grocery store initially, then went to work in what was, at the time, highly paid work as a factory hand. The year was a bit of a blur really. I was heavily depressed and permanently self-medicated. I can’t tell you much more than that because I do not know. I do however remember the morning we woke up to 911. I listened to my walkman 40 hours a week at work, and at first I didn’t believe the usually jovial morning show presenter’s message, but it soon became clear it was no joke, and when I got home from work I watched on the tv as that scene of smoke from one tower and the second plane crashing was repeated over and over.

2002:  Addiction was still my best friend, it staved off the depression, but deep down I also knew I wanted to learn. I re-enrolled part time in my diploma (while continuing my full time job) and slowly worked my way over the next 4 years to finishing. I was back with the cheating boyfriend, it was a totally different relationship this time, however I was now supporting two addictions. He thought it was going to last forever. Needless to say, I knew it was not going to last very long at all.

2003: This would be the year I ditched the boyfriend and the addiction. Either early this year, or maybe it was the end of the previous one, I moved back home. It was the one place I could go where my boyfriend, who was not supposed to be living with me, could not follow me (he had followed me through 3 previous moves). After I ditched the boyfriend I met someone else, who was in no way serious, but opened up a new group of friends to me. I moved in with some of them and got on with life post-boyfriend. It was hugely liberating, though my other ‘friend’ was still following me around. One day at work I decided I’d had enough of that awful place. I handed in my notice and left a week later. I had no idea what I wanted to do the day I quit, but this turned out to be a huge turning point in my life. By the time my week’s notice was up I had a plan. I enrolled for the next semester full time to fast track my diploma and made plans to enrol in a full degree course at university. Later in the year I met someone who would be the catalyst for finally ditching the addiction and moving on with my life. The depression, thankfully, did not return. Despite the toll addiction had on me, I still truly believe it was immensely helpful in getting me through an incredibly tough patch of mental instability, particularly in 2002. However, it probably didn’t need to go on as long as it did.

2004:  I had an amazing first year at university. My parents, who thought me being at university was a big joke (despite this being the ‘master plan’ when I was still at school), were shocked when I turned out 4 A’s in my first semester. However, it was a tumultuous and lonely year relationship-wise. Tumultuous between me and my boyfriend, who simultaneously thought we were going to be forever, but was shit-scared I was going to dump him. I warned him that if that was what he believed, then that would be the likely outcome. He didn’t listen, I moved out, we broke up (in that order). Loneliness came as I moved on from the friends who were better suited to my previous ‘lifestyle’. Being straight made them seem a whole lot less fun. University was hard in that respect too,  I wasn’t in the fresh out of school, 18 year old group, but I wasn’t quite ready to join the over-40’s ‘mature student’ group either.

2005: I lived and worked on campus, which definitely had it’s up and downs. I still didn’t really know what I wanted to do, I changed my major every semester and was catching up on life so fast that I outgrew that university before the end of my course. I was running out of challenges and I could see third year was not going to be the right mix of papers for me. Once again, in the space of a week I had decided to not only move universities, but cities as well. I was in luck and just made it in time to apply for some more halls of residence work and secured a job for 2006 the following week.

2006: Was somewhat of a repeat from 2004. I didn’t really leave many good friends behind anyway, but once again I was in the situation of not quite fitting in. All the other students in my majors new each other from the previous two years, and so I was the odd one out again.  Moving cities was more emotional than I had anticipated, so there were plenty of ups and downs. In the first semester I was plagued with insomnia and stress. In the second semester I suffered chronic fatigue and had no idea why. That was the start of a 2 year battle with fatigue, and with doctors. I skipped all my afternoon classes so I could nap and still slept a solid 8-10 hours at night. I managed to fumble my way through the last semester of undergrad through good luck and the natural ability to write a great essay overnight.

2007: I was out in the wide world at last, embarking on my career and finally earning a good salary. I remember feeling disappointed that I’d ‘wasted’ so much of my life getting to this point, but in reality I couldn’t have got there without taking the path I took. I have also caught up so fast that in the long run I’m not going to be any worse off career-wise. I struggled with fatigue so much though. My afternoon’s often consisted of staring at the computer screen, occasionally opening a new file or something, while I concentrated for the entire time on simply trying to keep my two eyes open. We actually had a sick room at work, but because I couldn’t think straight, or think at all, it didn’t occur to me till much later that I should have given in to the fatigue and had a short nap when it got too much. I saw many many doctors who all said the same things: you’re overweight and/or iron-deficient. I knew, just knew, there was something physically wrong, there was a proper explanation for it. But I had no other symptoms, so I couldn’t point to anything else myself. Occasionally a doctor would get very interested and order a ton of bloods. But when they came back normal, the doctor would just give up. I had another boyfriend somewhere in 2007, that didn’t last long between him being lazy and unambitious and me being so affected by my mystery fatigue. Work was getting very hard by the end of the year and 2008 didn’t start off very well either.

2008: I would finally get a solution to my fatigue problem. However, it should not have taken so long. In the mean time I was getting so frustrated I was losing the plot at work, taking out my frustrations on any little thing that was mildly annoying and just blowing up. I felt like I was going crazy, but I also knew I wasn’t crazy, something was wrong. I finally paid a lot of money to see a doctor in town who referred me to a surgeon. She also put me on medication, something I did not want to do, but I was left with little choice by this stage. The first surgeon was a complete cow, so I went and found a really lovely male surgeon who was amazing. I had surgery and found I had endometriosis, which was removed then and there. The difference was amazing. By the end of the year I was kicking ass at work and even found a new job in an area I was much more interested in. I was incredibly lucky to have had an amazing manager who was incredibly supportive throughout those awful 18 months. It could have been an even rockier time if I did not have that.

2009: The final year in a decade full of ups and downs was relatively straightforward. My new job quickly turned into another new job as we faced a restructure, but at least I still had a job and I am really enjoying the new team I work in. I also moved into a place by myself, which made for a truly, and much needed, blissful year at home. I still have some things to address in the early part of this new decade, but I’m so glad to have my career well underway and to have such a great environment outside of work. I also hope that this decade (and preferably sooner rather than later) will bring the marriage, house and babies part of the journey, so that the next few decades after that can bring me happily ever after (more or less!).